Before you ever fall in love, you seem to grab little things that you want in your relationship. As you get older those ideals become more realistic.
Like for example, when I was a little girl, I thought a prince would take me away and sweep me off my feet. He would take me on his horse and we would run away together and live this fantasy life.
Obviously not what happens on the usual, and that ideal changed when I was in about third or fourth grade, when I realized what I actually wanted was just to marry myself, because boys are stupid.
But then it changed again.
Most of my ideals in what I had wanted in a guy were from relationships that I had watched flourish and/or die in my life. But I held onto some of my childish ideals like him coming home and he stopped to pick a flower because he just thought of me. Or just being so in love with me, that he just decided to do this big romantic gesture.
But let’s be real, I got those from movies, and the picture perfect guy doesn’t just all exist in one guy.
These childish ideals has lead me in a weird place in my relationship now, but let’s get one thing straight: I’m not complaining about my relationship, I love my boyfriend and how much he tries to be the best boyfriend he can. That is all I can ask for.
But because of these childish romantic ideals that I had, I felt like I shouldn’t have made the first move. I swept him off his feet and made him try new things, and I felt like that wasn’t my job to do. Which of course is wrong to believe, because it’s 2021 goddamnit. A woman should be allowed to do whatever she wants to do when it comes to her love life.
But maybe my child self doesn’t agree. It’s funny how the feminist in me, and the child in me just cannot agree sometimes.
I also didn’t expect myself to fall in love first, I didn’t like that I fell in love first, it made me feel so uneven and so far away from him… Once it was said, there was no going back either, and that is why ladies and gents, I never told any guy how I felt about them. I didn’t want this irrational feeling of being alone, and that they’ll take any chance to leave me because there’s less to lose for them.
Before I even got into a relationship, I knew I would have a hard time accepting that whoever I decided I wanted to date or marry, is and always will be human. Humans are flawed and far from perfect, I knew that whoever it would be would always try their best. When I got into a relationship, I accepted all of my childhood ideals wouldn’t always (or maybe ever) be fulfilled.
All I know is that whenever I want to talk about this, I feel so ungrateful for what I have. That makes me feel sad, because I am so lucky with the relationship I have. I have one of the most stable relationships I know of, and call me cocky about that, but I’m sticking with that sentence.
I wish I knew how to feel like I gave up a part of something I had always expected, without feeling so goddamn ungrateful.
I think a lot of the reason that I feel like this is because I was eighteen when I got my first relationship. There was a lot of time for me to over romanticize something that two imperfect humans go into. I’m sure there’s some childhood ideals I don’t fill for him, because I’m not perfect. I can’t read minds as much as he can’t.
The song vibe right now: https://youtu.be/j85pwTA5Ipw
