Aging has been a process that I have always loved. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was to get older so I could drive. Then I could drive and then I was excited about marriage and kids. Now I am just at a time where people are getting married and having kids. Though I am feeling the FOMO (fear of missing out), I have finally realized how not ready I am to be at that stage of life.
Now, as time has been going on, I have come to realize I only have 22 more days left of being 20.
I am feeling sentimental.
I started 20 being still heartbroken over my first breakup. I was sad and trying to figure out who I was by myself, after what felt like an eternity of being with someone. I had just lost one of my best friends. Most importantly the guy I was in love with.
So begins the talk of the list. I decided on November 16, 2021 to make a list of goals I would like to accomplish until the next November 16th. Some things were just fun things like: have a clean room or write a song. But I did have some hard hitting ones on there, like: get back into writing and get a better job. Or even the biggest one of all: Love myself.
So I pinned this list onto my cork board and gave myself the space to realize I may not cross off everything on the list. I accepted that that was okay, I just wanted to feel okay again with myself.
Thanksgiving and Christmas time was the hardest for me. Every time I felt like I was okay and not going to cry about my breakup, I did. I know anyone who has been dumped before the holidays could say the same thing. All of the plans we had ready, were not happening.
After the holidays, I had came out as a bisexual woman. There wasn’t much to this, and there are still plenty of people I haven’t told (including my parents). That being said, it doesn’t make it any less memorable to come out to your close friends.
Then came a memorable moment: my close friend Megan suggested we should go on a trip, so on a whim we planned a trip to Puerto Rico. While still being sad, but better I went on this trip that January.
When I say that that trip changed my life, it’s not a joke. For the first time, I felt like life wasn’t being taken so seriously. I was laughing again, I was able to be happy.
The last night of that trip we stayed up until our flight and went to the beach, one last time. I stood there feet in the warm ocean under the stars. I cried, and for whatever reason I felt like all anxieties I had about myself and all of the negative thoughts people, as well as myself had put in my head were gone.
When I came home I crossed off two things on that list: travel somewhere with a friend and love myself.
My depression and anxiety seemed to no longer exist, and my emotional health felt like it was at an all time high. I felt like the world was glowing when I came back. I felt invincible.
Then complications arised, as they always do. So then begins the many complications that come with having an ex boyfriend who you are still close to, as well as his mother who gets sick. I couldn’t be there for them as much as I wanted to be, but I kept in contact and tried my best to stay in the loop. What used to feel like I was invincible, turned to reality real quick.
So a couple jobs later and now we are here… 22 days before I turn 21.
This year has been good, I learned so much in this year. My mental age feels even older than it used to, in a good way. I am feeling sad to let go of the age 20. I know this year will not disappear as soon as I age, but it feels like I have to say goodbye to a big part of my life.
So, thank you Twenty for being so good to me and helping me learn what I needed to. Thank you for letting me become a greater adult that I wouldn’t have been without you.
I can officially say that this is the first time in my life I am not excited to age. I am probably the only 20 year old that is not excited about turning 21, and that’s okay. I never done what was expected when it comes to people my age.
Aging can be scary, and I never knew how much I didn’t want it to happen until these past few weeks. Thankfully I know I am not alone in this, and I am thankful for everything that did happen to me this year.
I will be writing another list when November 16 comes back around. At this time I have 8/12 crossed off, and I am okay if that’s all I finish this year. I got the important ones crossed off and that’s all that matters.
The song vibe right now: https://youtu.be/AIiTRr4lxZM
