If I were to die tomorrow, I would do a couple last things. I would wake up early to see my last sunrise, have one last cup of coffee. Relax all morning because I could. If I was supposed to work that day, I would. One last day of work, one last time of seeing my coworkers.
I would have my last couple of calls to a couple of my friends, I would spend a night with my boyfriend and my parents. If I were to die tomorrow I would get one last kiss, one last hug, one last long conversation to hold me over until tomorrow.
I’d look at the sky just to watch the sunset one last time. A tear might roll down my cheek as the orange turned into night. Then I would know it was time.
If I were to die today, I would watch myself and my life from the outside. I would let myself have one more day where I watch all of the pain I caused, because I would believe I deserved to suffer before I came to peace.
Who would find me? Where would it have been? Why did I give up?
Would those reasons even matter to me as I watch my mom and dad pick my lifeless body, and cry as they saw their little girl, with no presence left. She would be just a body.
Would my boyfriend ever forgive me? Because I promised him I wouldn’t give up, I promised him I wouldn’t leave. Would he even dare come to my funeral, I promised him and failed him. Would he even remember the good things about me? Or would it all be gone, because I promised.
I said I kept my promises. I was a liar, I never wanted that.
What about my friends?
Would they all know how much I was suffering? Would they know that I still loved them?
If I ever killed myself, no one would have to forgive me. I wouldn’t blame them, but more than anything, I would want you to forgive me. Because I care. Because my presence will never leave you. I would never really be gone. I just wouldn’t be on the earth anymore.
So if I did, remember me in a good light. I cared, I just gave up on myself. That wouldn’t be your fault, it would be mine.
This is what inspired me: https://youtu.be/nEX-9exMc1A
I am not dying today or tomorrow. I am not planning on killing myself. I just felt like this needed to be said.
Take it as you will, but I know people who are/were suicidal know the same thought process.
If you have lost a friend or family member to suicide, I am so beyond sorry. No one should ever kill themselves. I hope you find closure or peace in this writing. You didn’t deserve to have that happen.