I thought that this idea would’ve been fun to write, it comes from a personal experience. I also thought of this WAY too early in the morning… So enjoy:
When I saw him for the first time, I didn’t even give him a second glance. He didn’t talk and just seemed to be there. But as time went on he became more prominent in my life. He was funny, and he was cute.
On the other hand that was the summer of heartbreak and anorexia, why would this guy want a girl like that?
Who would want to take a girl who couldn’t even eat a plate of spaghetti without feeling like she was harming her body?
No matter, I will work on myself.
So I did, I worked on myself so much, and gained a random bit of confidence. I was so smooth, I asked him out first.
Who was this girl claiming to be me?
She was everything I wanted to be.
I asked him to homecoming, and we had fun. What I had to remember was that this was just a crush.
Temporary.
He didn’t like me like that at all, rather I was talking to him about another girl in his life.
You did it again, just build a wall around your feelings, he’ll never see them if you hide them. You’re just his friend, stay in your place.
So a wall I built around my heart, as I ached every time she was mentioned, because I knew he expected me just to be his friend in the moment. I wasn’t his girlfriend.
Slowly as time faded he stopped loving that girl, and I started to let down this wall of emotion that had turned into love because I had neglected it so long it grew. It wanted to leave its cage and show this boy how much I actually have cared.
But then…
He kissed me?
Why me?
Right then and there, the wall fell to pieces, who was I kidding? I wouldn’t be able to hide so much love. So we decided to be together after one long year.
I had built up so much love and I had built up too many expectations.
Would I be the end of us?
Who was I to think that after eighteen years of not being with anyone, that I even dare be with someone. Then expect so much from him, he was only human. I could only offer human things for him, but it never felt like enough.
He has my heart, my soul, my body, he can have every part of me. So what feels so wrong, why doesn’t it feel like it works?
Because you didn’t have his heart, and you didn’t know it then, you barely understand it now.
I was foolish to think that I could make things work and happen just out of the blue, he had to feel it, not just you. I was selfish and irrational for thinking that I could do this, that I was allowed to feel this…
But he hugs you and reassures you he loves you, he cares, you just have to let him care.
So, I felt like this was a good ending to this, this is how I’ve experienced love through my view.
Obviously there is so much more to it than just that, but I have been emotionally and mentally abused by so many guys in my life that I never dated, that it scewed how I should love. It skewed my first relationship that I have now.
Thankfully I’m learning, and he’s learning. Everything is amazing, you just have to let it be amazing and take in all of the good, before you let the bad spoil it.
The song vibe right now: https://youtu.be/vFimC3To0MU
